ok, first of all i would like to make mention that i forgot to celebrate my blogs 3rd anniversary so happy blog for over 3 years now to me : )
now that that's out of the way on to the reason for my writing. i was thinking recently that i change my mind a lot and i think it confuses people slash makes me look wishy washy or like i contradict myself. and i mean i think people are more than welcome to change their minds and all but it's like i have this way of making things that i say sound like i'm really certain and confident about these facts or that i'm adamant about something when really i'm probably only half sure. i think it stems from my prideful attitude, i just want to sound knowledgable or something or i dunno i guess i like people to think that i have life all figured out, when in fact i do not. but it's like then when i change my mind i'm now very sure and adamant about that new mindset so it seems as if my life flipped upside down or something when really i just changed my mind. this wouldn't be so much of a problem- i mean aren't girls known for changing their mind a lot and being indecisive?- except i feel like it makes me almost look like a liar or something, i mean if i say one thing with complete confidence one week and turn around and say the opposite a week later i mean it doesn't really do a lot for my credibility. and i suppose it's just that i don't want people to think i'm dishonest or two-faced or whatever. i'm what you call (ok what my intimate relationships book calls) a "high self-monitor" *i think that's the phrase, i should look it up* which means that i have a multi-faceted personality. i show different parts of myself to different people in order to relate them better. for instance i act different with classmates than those i eat dinner with and different with my family than with my roommate. see and i don't think that's a bad thing, i think it makes me adaptable and like i'm able to go into any situation and fit in but some people view that as being ingenuine and two-faced adn i really don't want people to think of me that way, i mean that's not a favorable view for someone to have of me. and as much as i put out the persona that i don't care what people think i would never actually claim to hold that view- i totally care how people view me. actually i feel like others have a more accurate perception of who i truly am than i do. i mean seriously if you think about it the way you act and react is actually who you are- despite what you think in your head and who you imagine yourself to be. you base your reality on what you think your potential is, and you wonder why know one "really knows you" well thats' because YOU don't really know you. it's the same principle as you hearing your voice differently than everyone else, you hear a recording or yourself on a microphone and you think "hey that's not what i sound like" well that actually IS what you sound like but when you hear your own voice through your mind it's different. just as how you view yourself isn't who you really are to others.
all that being said, my fear is that the way i view myself (strong-willed and yet indecisive and change my mind a lot, not as a bad thing just as one who's open to change and following God's leading) is false and i really am the two-faced, wishy washy girl that i seem.
maybe it's not the end of the world to change your mind and maybe it's ok if people think that i'm contradictory or that i'm errant (who isn't eh?) but i think everyone wants others to think the best possible of them- is that not a fair assumption?
i don't know, i'll probably just change my mind about this too....
changedfish- shwhatever
now that that's out of the way on to the reason for my writing. i was thinking recently that i change my mind a lot and i think it confuses people slash makes me look wishy washy or like i contradict myself. and i mean i think people are more than welcome to change their minds and all but it's like i have this way of making things that i say sound like i'm really certain and confident about these facts or that i'm adamant about something when really i'm probably only half sure. i think it stems from my prideful attitude, i just want to sound knowledgable or something or i dunno i guess i like people to think that i have life all figured out, when in fact i do not. but it's like then when i change my mind i'm now very sure and adamant about that new mindset so it seems as if my life flipped upside down or something when really i just changed my mind. this wouldn't be so much of a problem- i mean aren't girls known for changing their mind a lot and being indecisive?- except i feel like it makes me almost look like a liar or something, i mean if i say one thing with complete confidence one week and turn around and say the opposite a week later i mean it doesn't really do a lot for my credibility. and i suppose it's just that i don't want people to think i'm dishonest or two-faced or whatever. i'm what you call (ok what my intimate relationships book calls) a "high self-monitor" *i think that's the phrase, i should look it up* which means that i have a multi-faceted personality. i show different parts of myself to different people in order to relate them better. for instance i act different with classmates than those i eat dinner with and different with my family than with my roommate. see and i don't think that's a bad thing, i think it makes me adaptable and like i'm able to go into any situation and fit in but some people view that as being ingenuine and two-faced adn i really don't want people to think of me that way, i mean that's not a favorable view for someone to have of me. and as much as i put out the persona that i don't care what people think i would never actually claim to hold that view- i totally care how people view me. actually i feel like others have a more accurate perception of who i truly am than i do. i mean seriously if you think about it the way you act and react is actually who you are- despite what you think in your head and who you imagine yourself to be. you base your reality on what you think your potential is, and you wonder why know one "really knows you" well thats' because YOU don't really know you. it's the same principle as you hearing your voice differently than everyone else, you hear a recording or yourself on a microphone and you think "hey that's not what i sound like" well that actually IS what you sound like but when you hear your own voice through your mind it's different. just as how you view yourself isn't who you really are to others.
all that being said, my fear is that the way i view myself (strong-willed and yet indecisive and change my mind a lot, not as a bad thing just as one who's open to change and following God's leading) is false and i really am the two-faced, wishy washy girl that i seem.
maybe it's not the end of the world to change your mind and maybe it's ok if people think that i'm contradictory or that i'm errant (who isn't eh?) but i think everyone wants others to think the best possible of them- is that not a fair assumption?
i don't know, i'll probably just change my mind about this too....
changedfish- shwhatever
posted by changedfish @ 10:31 PM
2 Comments:
At 1:15 AM ,
coveredindust said...
I wouldn't necessarily say you're wishy washy, or even two faced Mel. Although I can definitely see how you could think that of yourself, or even why others might tell you that you are. I know you understand that not everyone will like you no matter how you portray yourself to them. I know myself that that's hard to accept, but some people that I've pushed away because I stood firm in who I am have come to respect me because I didn't try a different face on when around them. Now which Melanie is the real one? Truth can be rough. Jesus didn't come to bring peace, He came to bring the truth, and fulfillment of the law. Which naturally will cause division. Praying for you Mel.
Lance
At 11:14 AM ,
changedfish said...
no, see, that's the point- these different parts of me are not false melanie's they are simply different parts of the "real one"
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