of that tree you must not eat
wow, the day i just had...like how could i even begin to describe it. soo much content! so many amazing conversations so much thought i don't even know what to do with it!
last weekend i went to a funeral for my friends grandpa. it got me thinking about my own funeral, how would i like it done- maybe i'm morbid but i think about death and dying and funerals and stuff a lot (not in like a suicidal way, just i think i about it) and in my ultimate fantasy funeral this is what i picture. i see colors, so much color and decoration, like a gawdy birthday party you've always wanted to throw since you were 8. and food and whatever and people just enjoying themselves, as if it's a wedding reception or something. i want CELEBRATION of life, heck celebration of my DEATH! my going to heaven, hello, how amazing is that? and all i want to be said over the microphone are memories. people talking about the crazy things i did or the things they loved about me the most, but not with tears and sorrow, with joy and laughter, i SO badly want people to just sit there and think "that chick was crazy and i loved her so much, i'm so excited taht she gets to be in heaven now"
no realistically i figure there will probably be at least a few people upset if i die, but my ultimate view of a funeral is like our testimony chapels where they just set up mics and we can go up and say whatever we want. i just want people to talk and laugh about life- i don't want people to be afraid to make fun of me simply because i died, go for it, talk about how loud i was and the outfits i wore and the things i said, as long as you're remembering me for who i was and it's positive, go for it, joke it up.
it's thoughts like that that make me want to die young oddly enough. i'm afraid i'll live so long that people won't be around to remember the good times or that i'll change and it won't be a fun colorful crazy funeral. seriously if anyone wears black to my funeral just hand them a colorful scarf or something will ya cuz i don't want tissues and tears, black and solemn sorrow, i want it to be some crazy party where you don't feel bad for being happy. sure comfort my family, greive with one another as the body of Christ and as close friends, but don't be sad that i died, be happy that i died, rejoice in my death! if you're going to be sad about anything it's going to be a selfish sorrow for yourselves and id on't want that most of all- i don't want you to be sad that i left you behind or for you to be jealous that i'm partying it up with Jesus and you're stuck on earth.
i dunno, just some of my thoughts (but if you ever do plan my funeral, refer back to this aight?)
in other news: don't be afraid to look beyond the here and now, beyond the circumstances adn the trials and the "wow this sucks" of life to what may be beyond it. i mean do you think Job got the ultimate picture from where he sat in the ashes? heck no, all he saw was that he was a righteous man and yet God was allowing him to be punished and i think we're at such a greater advantage because we have Job's story to look at and to know that he purpose of all of that was to bring him closer to God, that through trials sometimes that's when we get the closest to the Lord and when He becomes real to us. when everything is hunky dory is not when we turn and run to God (at least not for me) it's when life comes at you hard that you need to run, not walk, into His arms. and i don't know what His plan is for you, i don't know what's beyond today, but i do think that His plan is so much better than anything we could've imagined in our small brains. i mean, when i think about the sheer fact that i'm at cedarville, or that i'm a psych major or that i'm in the ministries i'm in, that i'm so unsure of my future and that's ok with me, it's just like, wow- this plan i never could've made up for msyelf, the plan i made wasn't half this amazing. i dunno, do you think peter ever planned to walk on water? do you think he sat there as a child and said, well whatever i do occupationally, i'd like to walk on water someday- i dont think so. yet when he was focused on God and stepped out in faith toward what God asked of him he got to stinking walk on water...i think that's something that's beyond our comprehension, yet it was possible. (we'll ignore the part about him sinking due to his lack of faith for now)
sometimes i wonder what things are God testing me and what things are satan tempting me. when things come up and i can just see that it's purposeful-playing to my weaknesses- i think that. i wonder if satan is tempting me and God's allowing it or if it's a test of God's to see if my promises to Him are sincere. maybe it's both. i want so badly for the bad things to turn to good, i want my trials to be for God's glory, for people to be in my life for His purposes and i can see that, like the ambitious part of me thinks, well maybe this person is drawn to me because they saw Him through me, because this person needs the love of Christ and maybe i can be the one to show them that, but my stupid flesh gets in my way and i take their attention as my own, and i think somehow maybe there's something i've done to gain their adoration and it's like some crazy selfish switch flips and i stop showing them Christ and i only show them me- and me sucks, i'm no good, i don't know why i do that. it's like my intentions and motives were good but that doesnt' matter if they stop half way through and i start playing my own game...
why do we always focus on the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and not the tree of life or even the other trees in the garden? why can't we see all the good things around us. why do we always focus on what we can't have or can't do or how far we can go before it's wrong. just how far can we push the line, where do we draw the boundaries? why do we do that? i don't understand how our christian conversations always center around, how wrong is too wrong when we could be talking all about tha amazing things that are right! and it's like i feel like when i'm struggling with something that the world has drawn me into i have all this support- if i told someone, man i'm having trouble not sleeping with my boyfriend or i keep getting invited to drinking parties and it's hard to say no or you know gee having my quiet time with God is just really difficult- there would be SO many people to sympathize and empathize with me and to be there and try and help me through it. why is it that if i came to someone because i was being persecuted for being a believer that i would have so many fewer supporters. why can someone encourage me when i'm having trouble with sin but not when i'm having trouble living righteously? that's so backwards. yet as a friend of mine said- which is the more publicized helper? i mean people just want to be recognized for their "good deeds" and be the one to stoop down and pick someone else up, they can't encourage someone who isn't "needy" and that sucks because i feel like it's harder for me to live full on for God and get made fun of than it is for me to follow all the legalistic rules. like i can be a "good kid" a lot easier than i could be a Stephen of the bible- yet where were stephen's friends and supporters? oh wait, doesn't seem like he had many. i wish it werent' true of us that we all want the limelight but we do. no one wants to be the chruch secretary when they could be the pastor but a church can't run if it doesn't have the bills paid or whatever. i mean it takes all kinds, that's why we're the BODY of Christ, the FAMILY of God- no two are the same, not even identical twins! the Lord gives us each different passions and strengths (and weaknesses) and He tells us to work together and to each serve his purpose but we all look at the other people and decide that we want to do what they're doing, well heck, that's not your job is it? i mean if everyone was a doctor then who would take out the trash? and vice versa! even things like gender roles- there are two genders for a reason, we need that companion, that complimentary person to complete us, but we can't both be the man in the relationship and we can't both be the women, it takes two baby.
speaking of two that's what o'clock in the am it is right now and i should really hit the hay....
changedfish- oh so changed, so changed indeed
wow, the day i just had...like how could i even begin to describe it. soo much content! so many amazing conversations so much thought i don't even know what to do with it!
last weekend i went to a funeral for my friends grandpa. it got me thinking about my own funeral, how would i like it done- maybe i'm morbid but i think about death and dying and funerals and stuff a lot (not in like a suicidal way, just i think i about it) and in my ultimate fantasy funeral this is what i picture. i see colors, so much color and decoration, like a gawdy birthday party you've always wanted to throw since you were 8. and food and whatever and people just enjoying themselves, as if it's a wedding reception or something. i want CELEBRATION of life, heck celebration of my DEATH! my going to heaven, hello, how amazing is that? and all i want to be said over the microphone are memories. people talking about the crazy things i did or the things they loved about me the most, but not with tears and sorrow, with joy and laughter, i SO badly want people to just sit there and think "that chick was crazy and i loved her so much, i'm so excited taht she gets to be in heaven now"
no realistically i figure there will probably be at least a few people upset if i die, but my ultimate view of a funeral is like our testimony chapels where they just set up mics and we can go up and say whatever we want. i just want people to talk and laugh about life- i don't want people to be afraid to make fun of me simply because i died, go for it, talk about how loud i was and the outfits i wore and the things i said, as long as you're remembering me for who i was and it's positive, go for it, joke it up.
it's thoughts like that that make me want to die young oddly enough. i'm afraid i'll live so long that people won't be around to remember the good times or that i'll change and it won't be a fun colorful crazy funeral. seriously if anyone wears black to my funeral just hand them a colorful scarf or something will ya cuz i don't want tissues and tears, black and solemn sorrow, i want it to be some crazy party where you don't feel bad for being happy. sure comfort my family, greive with one another as the body of Christ and as close friends, but don't be sad that i died, be happy that i died, rejoice in my death! if you're going to be sad about anything it's going to be a selfish sorrow for yourselves and id on't want that most of all- i don't want you to be sad that i left you behind or for you to be jealous that i'm partying it up with Jesus and you're stuck on earth.
i dunno, just some of my thoughts (but if you ever do plan my funeral, refer back to this aight?)
in other news: don't be afraid to look beyond the here and now, beyond the circumstances adn the trials and the "wow this sucks" of life to what may be beyond it. i mean do you think Job got the ultimate picture from where he sat in the ashes? heck no, all he saw was that he was a righteous man and yet God was allowing him to be punished and i think we're at such a greater advantage because we have Job's story to look at and to know that he purpose of all of that was to bring him closer to God, that through trials sometimes that's when we get the closest to the Lord and when He becomes real to us. when everything is hunky dory is not when we turn and run to God (at least not for me) it's when life comes at you hard that you need to run, not walk, into His arms. and i don't know what His plan is for you, i don't know what's beyond today, but i do think that His plan is so much better than anything we could've imagined in our small brains. i mean, when i think about the sheer fact that i'm at cedarville, or that i'm a psych major or that i'm in the ministries i'm in, that i'm so unsure of my future and that's ok with me, it's just like, wow- this plan i never could've made up for msyelf, the plan i made wasn't half this amazing. i dunno, do you think peter ever planned to walk on water? do you think he sat there as a child and said, well whatever i do occupationally, i'd like to walk on water someday- i dont think so. yet when he was focused on God and stepped out in faith toward what God asked of him he got to stinking walk on water...i think that's something that's beyond our comprehension, yet it was possible. (we'll ignore the part about him sinking due to his lack of faith for now)
sometimes i wonder what things are God testing me and what things are satan tempting me. when things come up and i can just see that it's purposeful-playing to my weaknesses- i think that. i wonder if satan is tempting me and God's allowing it or if it's a test of God's to see if my promises to Him are sincere. maybe it's both. i want so badly for the bad things to turn to good, i want my trials to be for God's glory, for people to be in my life for His purposes and i can see that, like the ambitious part of me thinks, well maybe this person is drawn to me because they saw Him through me, because this person needs the love of Christ and maybe i can be the one to show them that, but my stupid flesh gets in my way and i take their attention as my own, and i think somehow maybe there's something i've done to gain their adoration and it's like some crazy selfish switch flips and i stop showing them Christ and i only show them me- and me sucks, i'm no good, i don't know why i do that. it's like my intentions and motives were good but that doesnt' matter if they stop half way through and i start playing my own game...
why do we always focus on the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and not the tree of life or even the other trees in the garden? why can't we see all the good things around us. why do we always focus on what we can't have or can't do or how far we can go before it's wrong. just how far can we push the line, where do we draw the boundaries? why do we do that? i don't understand how our christian conversations always center around, how wrong is too wrong when we could be talking all about tha amazing things that are right! and it's like i feel like when i'm struggling with something that the world has drawn me into i have all this support- if i told someone, man i'm having trouble not sleeping with my boyfriend or i keep getting invited to drinking parties and it's hard to say no or you know gee having my quiet time with God is just really difficult- there would be SO many people to sympathize and empathize with me and to be there and try and help me through it. why is it that if i came to someone because i was being persecuted for being a believer that i would have so many fewer supporters. why can someone encourage me when i'm having trouble with sin but not when i'm having trouble living righteously? that's so backwards. yet as a friend of mine said- which is the more publicized helper? i mean people just want to be recognized for their "good deeds" and be the one to stoop down and pick someone else up, they can't encourage someone who isn't "needy" and that sucks because i feel like it's harder for me to live full on for God and get made fun of than it is for me to follow all the legalistic rules. like i can be a "good kid" a lot easier than i could be a Stephen of the bible- yet where were stephen's friends and supporters? oh wait, doesn't seem like he had many. i wish it werent' true of us that we all want the limelight but we do. no one wants to be the chruch secretary when they could be the pastor but a church can't run if it doesn't have the bills paid or whatever. i mean it takes all kinds, that's why we're the BODY of Christ, the FAMILY of God- no two are the same, not even identical twins! the Lord gives us each different passions and strengths (and weaknesses) and He tells us to work together and to each serve his purpose but we all look at the other people and decide that we want to do what they're doing, well heck, that's not your job is it? i mean if everyone was a doctor then who would take out the trash? and vice versa! even things like gender roles- there are two genders for a reason, we need that companion, that complimentary person to complete us, but we can't both be the man in the relationship and we can't both be the women, it takes two baby.
speaking of two that's what o'clock in the am it is right now and i should really hit the hay....
changedfish- oh so changed, so changed indeed
posted by changedfish @ 1:34 AM
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